Why The Watchmen Movie Never Had A Chance

It wasn't too long into the film when I realized that the strange feeling washing over me was boredom. How could that be?, I thought. I've been waiting for this movie ever since I read Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' groundbreaking graphic novel in 2003, finally realizing what the hell brought on the grim 'n' gritty glut of comic book storytelling that was the 90's.

Certainly the opening sequence couldn't be the culprit; it looked like the comic book pages depicting The Comedian's murder come to life. Nor could it have been the breathtaking opening credits, which did a tidy job of exposition while adding new bits not seen in the book (the JFK assassination, anyone?). Jackie Earle Haley couldn't embody Rorschach more if he tried; ditto Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. And don't get me started on the hot hunk of dude that is Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Special effects? Check. Kick-ass action sequences? Check. Faithfulness to the source material? Double check.

And then it hit me. When a prose novel is adapted into a film, we are treated to a visual interpretation of the words that previously only existed in our imaginations. When a comic book is adapted into a film, there's usually hundreds and hundreds of issues of source material to choose from, so part of the fun comes in finding out which bits of the characters' canons make it to the screen. Watchmen is a mere twelve issues. Wisely, director Zach Snyder chose to adhere as closely to those issues as possible, ending up with what is most likely the most faithful page-to-screen adaptation of a comic book we've ever seen.

Hence the boredom.

It's hard to elicit thrills from an audience that is already intensely familiar with what is essentially the storyboards for your film. They've already seen the work represented visually, and by a storytelling expert, no less, so any element of surprise is gone. "Ah, yes. Now they're going to Mars. Yep, now they're going to confront Adrian." Not only do we know what's going to happen, but we also know just what it will look like. A movie version is practically redundant.


Snyder didn't really have a choice; if he had strayed from the book any more than he did, the streets would be running red with his blood right now. But part of me wishes he had employed a little more of the daring seen in the opening credits. Certain subplots eliminated or compressed. Characters amalgamated. New information extrapolated from things we already know. Taking the existing work as a reference and creating something new. Things that can usually found in true adaptations.

Ultimately, Watchmen's appeasement of its fans is what will keep it from ever truly being a fan favorite. Or maybe it's just that Malin Ackerman.

Maybe The MTA Does Care About the Little Guy, After All...

Saturday morning. The F train.

I got off at Bryant Park, dreading another thankless afternoon of hash-slinging. As Bono crooned "Moment of Surrender" through my earbuds, I noticed some flailing movement in my periphery. The conductor at the front of the train was trying to get my attention for some reason. He beckoned me over. This F train wasn't leaving the station until we had ourselves a little chat. I wondered what he could possibly want. Directions?

"I have a question for you: every morning you get off this train and give me the dirtiest look I've ever seen. What have I ever done to you?"

Seconds passed. I stood silently, mouth agape in disbelief.

"Um...I've honestly never seen you in my life, sir. I'm sorry if you thought I was giving you a dirty look."

Sarcastically, or possibly passive(ly)-aggressively, or both, he suddenly dismissed me with an "Oh, OK. Fine, then. Have a good day!" and started up the ol' train again, vanishing into the tunnel.

First of all, I don't take the F train every morning. Second, I may just have a grumpy neutral face. Third, if I, in fact, am giving dirty looks, it surely is at the cruel hand fate has dealt me, where I'm seemingly doomed to spend all of my twenties grovelling like a pauper at the feet of hungry tourists. Or maybe it's just a grimace of pain from my bum ankle, shredded to nothing after five years of waitressing.

What I can be very sure of, however, is that I'm not throwing shade at some crazy-assed train conductor who I've never noticed even once, given that I've even ever actually seen him before.

As I climbed the stairs to reach the surface of civilization, Bono having resumed his plaintive wail, I found some comfort in the fact that it ain't just Tyra Banks and me who somehow make it all about us.

Comic Book Characters to Watch Out For In 2009 Part 8: President-Elect Barack Obama

Y'know, when the comic book character Senator Barack Obama first appeared in the pages of Presidential Material: Barack Obama, at first I was all, "Hey, what gives? It's this Obama fella's first appearance and he already has his own comic book?  Hell, Aquaman doesn't even have a comic book right now!"  The book read rather awkwardly as well; it's almost as if it was less about a super-hero than about some politician obsessed with change.  And what the hell kind of secret identity name is Barry?  I was less than impressed. 

But now, as he's slated to appear in the pages of both Savage Dragon #145 and Amazing Spider-Man #583, I'm starting to think maybe he's not as lame. After all, this Senator Obama guy has now been elected President of the United States, so that opens him up to many more story possibilities.

Another cool thing is that he's kind of an enigma. Three appearances in comic books,and we still have no idea what his power is! He's very mysterious; the Wolverine of his time.  My guess is that he has tactile telekinesis, or maybe supersonic budget balancing, or hey!  Maybe he has a utility belt full of economic stimulii, Iraqi treaties, and photon-fueled shark pellets.

One thing's for sure: Obama needs a new costume.  How does one expect to do battle against Propisitor VIII or General Motron in that drab grey suit?  He needs something sleeker, closer to, say, Black Panther's costume.  Or Black Lightning's.  Or that metal guy Shaq made a movie about.

Who knows?  Maybe in a few years, we'll be seeing a whole line of books: Obama and the Outsiders, Barack: Man of Steel, Justice League of Chief Executives...until, of course, sales flounder and they call in Frank Miller to revamp him with a heroin habit and a cyborg penis.  Just don't get him to direct the movie version starring Will Smith.

Of all the new comic book characters angling for the spotlight this year, President-Elect Barack Obama might just be the best.  Sure, his innate decency and unwavering sense of right and wrong is a little unrealistic, but hey, it worked for Superman, right?  I have a hunch that, in reading his adventures, we'll long for the day where we have a president in real life just like him.

Wait...WHAT?!? 

Why VH1's Confessions of a Teen Idol Should Be Taught in School

It may look like the train wreck from Unbreakable and the train wreck from Wanted had a baby and then wrecked it. But if you look past the fake tans, orgies of bro-dom, and that California Raisin costume Adrian Zmed always seems to be wearing, Confessions of a Teen Idol might just give Sesame Street a run for its money in the educational TV department. Behold:

Mathematics:
Mark Hamill...

minus

plus

equals
...Christopher Atkins!

English:
Chok-a-chi (CHOH-kuh-chee)
-n.
1. former Baywatch employee (sometimes sarcastically called "actor")
2. angry dude who is unaware of how silly it sounds when someone as old as he is constantly says "bro"
-v.
1. high-kicking a gate all badass in an attempt to exit a show after being embarrassed by Chachi and Wayne Arnold.
Sample sentence: "Those two jerks can't humiliate me like that, so I just chokachied the piss outta that gate, bro!"

History:
Apparently, there was once someone named Bill Hufsey.

Science:
Jason Hervey grew up to be a Mii. So that's fun.

Economics:
XPose, Peter Pantanzarellis' Euro-trash designer clothing store in Astoria, Queens, nearly doubled its profits last quarter after marketing its cheesy-assed patterned t-shirts to both douchebaggy Latino teens and white dudes in their 40's who used to be on TV shows. Congrats, Pete!




Theatre Arts:
Some look to Pacino or DeNiro for masterful examples of Method Acting. However, one need look no further than Eric Nies' deeply committed preparation for his audition for the upcoming Spicoli: A Portrait. Producers are also eyeing him for the Scarecrow in an all-male erotic Wizard of Oz update.










So there you have it! Proof that reality TV is more than just wondering what brand of eyeliner Jeremy Jackson uses. You might say it's eyeliner...for our brains.

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Hope You Like Comedy Videos!

My buddy Dustin D'Addato and I whipped this puppy up. I think it's kinda fun. Check it out.



Oh, and Merry Christmas, everyone.

Like Regular Nerds, Except Funny

My buddies Dan and the newlywed Dustin host a weekly podcast called The Comedy Nerds. As both fans and practitioners of comedy, they are able to discuss stand-up, sketch, improv, sitcoms, and comedy features with authority and style.

Because everything ends up being about me at some point, I had the privilege of being their first (and second) ever guest on the show. In my first episode, last week's "The SNL Dream Team", Dan and I play the time-traveling Lorne Michaels and pick the all-time greatest cast, choosing seven regular players and two featured players throughout the series' thirty-four seasons. Dan's list and mine have striking similarities and huge, huge differences. Dustin sort of sits around and judges our list, occasionally throwing out a cast member's name who would never make a dream team list, but whose contributions to the show are/were significant nonetheless. It's a really frank, surprising, and funny conversation.

In this week's episode, "Movies in the Age of Apatow", we discuss Judd Apatow and friends' work in comedy features, and whether their control of the industry's current comedy tastes is a good or bad thing. We also single out a few players that we love in his regular stable of ensemble players and praise them to embarrassing extremes. Seriously. I think Dan might bid a few grand on one of Paul Rudd's ball hairs on eBay. It's that or buy a new house.

If you're interested in comedy, or,y'know, me, you should check these episodes out. Dan and Dustin are really hitting a stride here. These dudes know what they're talking about without talking down to a comedy layperson. You can be like me and subscribe to their podcast on iTunes, or just listen in every week on their site. To borrow one of Dan's bits, you can also write a review for iTunes...unless it's a bad one.

This may just be my return to posting regularly...again. Stay tuned.

Sketch #30 - The End

LIGHTS UP on the type of wall that Muppets hang out around. Don't pretend like you don't know which type of wall I mean. MICHAEL and KAMRUL sit apart, perched on the wall.

MICHAEL
(to self)
Just one more day and I'm free again.

KAMRUL
Oh, you too?

MICHAEL
Me too what?

KAMRUL
You'll be free again tomorrow?

MICHAEL
Yeah. After a whole month.

KAMRUL
Me too.

MICHAEL
Huh.

KAMRUL
You don't strike me as the type.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well you don't, either.

KAMRUL
Are you kidding me? Sometimes I feel like the poster child for it.

MICHAEL
For National Sketch Writing Month?

KAMRUL
No, for Ramadan.

MICHAEL
What?

KAMRUL
Ramadan.

MICHAEL
Oh, no. Sorry. I was talking about National Sketch Writing Month. September first through the thirtieth. Thirty days, thirty sketches, no excuses.

KAMRUL
That's funny. Ramadan also runs September first through the thirtieth this year.

MICHAEL
Get out!

KAMRUL
Seriously. So you have to "write" thirty sketches? I thought you drew sketches.

MICHAEL
No, like comedy sketches. Short, comedic scenes. Like you'd see on, like, SNL. Oh, sorry. Saturday Night Live. You guys have sketch comedy, I'd imagine. Right? Like, Saturday Night Taped and Rigorously Censored?

KAMRUL
Was that a joke?

MICHAEL
Kind of, yeah.

KAMRUL
Ah.

MICHAEL
(changing the subject)
Well, I thought Ramadan was around Christmas time anyway.

KAMRUL
Well, it was during the first year that any American decided to take any interest in the Muslim world. It moves up eleven days or so every year. It's the ninth month of the Islamic calendar. It causes confusion with people here in the States. It's a little harder to figure out than Dancing With the Stars.

MICHAEL
Was that a joke?

KAMRUL
After a fashion.

MICHAEL
Scathing and trenchant. But I know a little bit about it. You guys fast, huh?

KAMRUL
Yes. We're also supposed to read the entire Qu'ran. And reflect and pray, obviously.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well, I had to write thirty unique comedy scenes. It was really hard.

KAMRUL
Do you not think fasting is hard?

MICHAEL
So you haven't eaten since August 31st?

KAMRUL
No, we're allowed to eat after we do our fourth prayer of the day at sunset.

MICHAEL snickers.

KAMRUL (cont'd)
What?

MICHAEL
So you fast for, like, twelve hours at a time? When I work a double at the restaurant, I do the same thing. I guess I'd make a kick-ass Muslim!

KAMRUL
Hardly.

MICHAEL
I'm just saying, I had to find inspiration every day, even where there was none, and come up pages and pages of something fresh and funny every single day. Even when I didn't. You had to have a rumbly stomach every day for a few hours.

KAMRUL
Your ignorance staggers me.

MICHAEL
Oh, I'm just messing with you. Getting through Ramadan, I'm sure, is quite a feat.

KAMRUL
What's the point?

MICHAEL
Of?

KAMRUL
Of your sketch writing.

MICHAEL
Oh, y'know, to work the ol' muscle. Work under deadlines, pressure. Problem solve, that kind of thing.

KAMRUL
But why write sketches at all? What's the goal?

MICHAEL
Oh. Well, I want to be on SNL one day.

KAMRUL
Ah.

MICHAEL
What's your goal? For Ramadan?

KAMRUL
It's just a period where we really focus on being a good follower of Islam's teachings. Where it lies at the forefront of your consciousness, rather than linger in the background, as it admittedly does sometimes.

MICHAEL
But ultimately.

KAMRUL
Hey, I want my seventy-two virgins in paradise like everyone else.

MICHAEL
You probably stand a better chance of getting them than I do of getting on SNL.

KAMRUL
Probably.

MICHAEL
Hey!

KAMRUL
No offense.

Pause.

MICHAEL
So...9/11, huh?

KAMRUL throws up his hands and looks at MICHAEL incredulously.

MICHAEL (cont'd)
Yeah, I don't know.

KAMRUL
Last day.

MICHAEL
Yeah. You get to eat pretty soon.

KAMRUL
Have you written your last sketch?

MICHAEL
This is it, I think.

KAMRUL
Oh, really?

MICHAEL
I guess.

KAMRUL
Meta.

MICHAEL
Yeah, I fall into that trap sometimes. Sorry about you not being real.

KAMRUL
No problem. I think I'm real, and ultimately that's what matters.

MICHAEL
Is that an Islamic thing?

KAMRUL
It's a me thing.

MICHAEL
Cool.

KAMRUL
So does it just end?

MICHAEL
Yeah, I don't know. There should be some kind of cool send-off, huh?

KAMRUL
I'd say. This whole month has led up to this moment, hasn't it?

MICHAEL
Yes. Yes it has. Well, there is one way I've always wanted to end a sketch I've produced. Sometimes I feel like it's the only way to end a sketch.

KAMRUL
Do it.

Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman" plays. MICHAEL lip-syncs the lead vocal, while KAMRUL lip-syncs the back-up vocals. When the dance beat kicks in, RACHEL, DAN, and JEFF enter, becoming back-up dancers while MICHAEL lip-syncs the second verse of the song. At the chorus, everybody starts dancing and begins to pull people out of the audience to dance with them. It becomes one giant dance party, and can last for the entire song. Hell, for the entire The Bodyguard soundtrack. We could even then change the CD and just keep on dancing. The sky's the limit.

THE END

Sketch #29 - The Fanboys

LIGHTS UP on a basement. CORKY, PICKLES, and TINY sit amidst a pile of comic books.

CORKY
Have you seen Lenil Yu's stuff on Secret Invasion? Holy crap. It makes you almost not miss Travis Charest.

PICKLES
Ew, whatever, Marvel Zombie. You were probably too busy reading a Zeb Wells fill-in of Black Panther to notice that the final issue of the greatest comic book saga since Watchmen came out last week. Gentlemen, I am, of course, referring to Morrison and Quitely's All-Star Superman #12.

TINY
You both can go watch Elektra and/or Constantine. I've personally been diving into archived editions of Carl Barks' Uncle Scrooge.

CORKY
That's pretentious. You like it because you've been told it's good.

PICKLES
And Constantine is awesome!

PICKLES' MOM enters.

PICKLES' MOM
Boys, it's a beautiful day outside. Maybe you should do something...active.

PICKLES
Mom, is it any consolation that we're reading the exploits of someone who is radio...active?

The boys laugh.

CORKY
Nicely done, Pickles!

TINY
Nailed it, good sir!

PICKLES' MOM
Is that a joke or something? I don't even get it.

CORKY
Well, if you didn't get that, you'd better stay away from Brian Azzarello's run on Deathblow!

The boys laugh.

TINY
Bravo, Corky!

PICKLES
Obscure, but effective.

PICKLES' MOM
Well, just think about it.

She exits.

TINY
Does anyone want to see what I got at Crystal Dragon Con?

PICKLES and CORKY
(sarcastically)
No, not us...

TINY produces a comic book. The other boys gasp.

PICKLES
Is that...?

CORKY
Could it be...?

TINY
That's right, boys; not a dream, not a hoax, not an imaginary story! It is the variant die-cut gatefold holographic sketch cover to Red Sonja #8!

PICKLES
I think I just came.

CORKY
I might have to swipe that.

TINY
Greg Land might beat you to it!

The boys laugh.

PICKLES
Hilarious!

CORKY
No one would ever understand that reference but us!

PICKLES' MOM re-enters.

PICKLES' MOM
Boys, the ice cream man is outside. I'll treat all of you if you go on outside.

PICKLES
Mom, the last time you said that, there was no ice cream man.

CORKY
That's like soliciting a book that Kevin Smith writes!

TINY
Or that J. Scott Campbell draws!

PICKLES
Or whose finances Pat Lee manages somehow!

The boys explode with laughter.

PICKLES' MOM
Please, boys. Your skin is starting to become see-through.

She exits.

PICKLES
So I'm going to Mighty Centennial Mystic Orb Excelsior Con next Saturday.

TINY
No way!

CORKY
How'd you score tix!

PICKLES
You know Smucker at Optic Orgasm Comics and Games?

TINY
Um...yeah...

CORKY
A-duh.

PICKLES
I complimented his ponytail.

TINY
Good move.

CORKY
It does resemble Shatterstar's.

PICKLES
That's what I said!

TINY
I hear they're doing an Aqualad panel.

CORKY
And they might show the trailer to the movie version of the comic book version of Chuck.

PICKLES
I have tickets to it.

TINY
Great Caesar's ghost.

CORKY
I just jizzed everywhere.

PICKLES' MOM re-enters.

PICKLES' MOM
Boys, I just had an inground pool installed in the backyard. Jessica Biel is currently skinny-dipping in it. For the love of God, get your atrophied muscles out there!

PICKLES
Mom, the only atrophied muscles I can see are Chapel's in the Jae Lee issues of Youngblood: Strikefile!

The boys fall over laughing.

CORKY
You are a genius!

TINY
I don't understand it, but it ruled!

PICKLES
I didn't get it either!

PICKLES' MOM
I was afraid I'd have to do this. Come on in.

MARK MILLAR enters.

MARK MILLAR
'Ello, you little shite-heads.

PICKLES, CORKY, and TINY
OH MY ZOD!

CORKY
Mark Millar!

TINY
Scribe of The Ultimates!

PICKLES
Script consultant on the Iron Man movie!

MARK MILLAR
That's me. Your mum 'ere's been telling me you little twats 'ave been down 'ere all summer like a bunch of arseholes. I'm glad you like me funnybooks and all, but if you don't get your porky little frames out that front door and don't come back for a fortnight, I'll slice off your little pricks and shove 'em down yer throats. In fact, I'll use that scene in the next issue of War Heroes!

TINY
I loved that issue of Bloodsport where Seahawk and Battlestone are getting blown by dudes dressed up as Cyclops and Jean Grey!

PICKLE
I love that issue of Ultimate Wolverine Team-Up where Ultimate Logan french kisses Ultimate Hitler!

TINY
And I look forward to your run on Archie and Jughead where those two take turns raping Jesus' exposed ribcage during the Passion!

MARK MILLAR
Yeah. That's gonna be some real smart stuff, that. Maybe the greatest four-color foray into fantasy ever captured by some pissfuck cunt bloke like meself.

PICKLES
I guess we'll go outside for a few minutes.

MARK MILLAR
That's what I like to 'ear, me wee bairns!

The boys exit.

PICKLES' MOM
Thanks.

MARK MILLAR
The pleasure is mine. Fancy a shag on this pile of comic books?

PICKLES' MOM
In lieu of your fee?

MARK MILLAR
You shaved?

PICKLES' MOM
Landing strip.

MARK MILLAR
Half.

PICKLES' MOM
Done.

LIGHTS OUT.

THE END

Sketch #28 - Bill & Mary, Revisited

LIGHTS UP on BILL sitting in the living room, watching TV. He suddenly gets disturbed.

BILL
Mary...Marryy...Marrryyy!

MARY enters, wearing only a towel wrapped around her body, and another one wrapped in her hair.

MARY
What is it, Bill? Screamin' bloody murder. I was takin' a bath!

BILL
Can you shut the blinds, boo? It's makin' a glare on the screen.

MARY
You couldn't get up and do it yourself?

BILL
My knee's actin' up. I'm not walkin' too good, Mary.

MARY
(seductively)
After last night, I should be the one not walkin' too good.

GREG (O.S)
That's disgusting!

BILL
Aw, Mary! Jeez! What have I told you about talkin' nasty in front of the kids?

MARY
Greg doesn't mind!

GREG (O.S.)
I absolutely mind!

BILL
Could ya just shut 'em, Mary?

MARY shuts the blinds.

MARY
I'll shut you.

BILL
Great.

MARY kisses BILL on the forehead and exits. BILL resumes watching TV, then feels around for the remote. Then he spots it on the floor.

BILL (cont'd)
Marrryyy! Marrrrryyyyyy! Arrrrrr-yyyyyyy!

MARY (O.S.)
I'm naked in the tub again, Bill!

GREG (O.S.)
More details than we need!

BILL
Marrrrrrrryyyyyyyy! It's important, Aaahhhhrrry!

MARY re-enters.

MARY
This better be good. I was about to shave!

BILL
I need you to grab me that remote, Booskles.

MARY
You are kidding me.

BILL
My arthritis! I'm not good at bending.

MARY
(seductively)
You're pretty good at bending me over.

GREG (O.S.)
Stop being horrible!

BILL
Aw, Mary! Jeez!

MARY
Oh, please. It makes Greg laugh.

GREG (O.S.)
Actually, I may never laugh again!

BILL
Just hand me the remote, please.

MARY grabs the remote and hands it to BILL.

MARY
I'll remote you.

She flashes BILL and exits.

BILL
Fantastic.

BILL watches TV happily for a while, then:

BILL (cont'd)
Aaaaaaarrrrrryyyyyy! Aaaaaughhhhhrrrrryyyy! Glllearghhhhhyyyyy!

MARY (O.S.)
What is it, Bill? There's lather all over my boobs!

GREG (O.S.)
Stop speaking forever, Mom!

BILL
It's an emergency, Aaaahhhhrrry! Oh, it hurts! Hhhhahaaahhhhrrrghhhy! Klagmmmmmrrrrryy! Ow! Ggggllleaggghhry!

MARY enters frantically.

MARY
Oh my god, are you okay, Bill?

BILL
Think you could fix me a sandwich, Boobik's Cube?

MARY
You are unbelievable.

BILL
What? It's an emergency! Ish. Blood sugar.

MARY
Kiss my pussy first.

GREG (O.S.)
That's it! I'm killing myself!

A gunshot. Then a long, horrified pause.

GREG (O.S., continued)
I'm obviously joking, but for the love of all that's right and good, stop it!

Pause.

BILL
So any year on that sandwich, Mary.

MARY
I'll sandwich you right in the face.

Pause. BILL looks offstage to make sure GREG isn't around.

BILL
Promise?

MARY
Ooh-hoo! Yessir!

MARY opens her towel with her back to the audience and sits on BILL's lap.

BILL
Ohhhh, Mmmmmmaaaaaarrrrryyyyyy!

LIGHTS FADE.

THE END

Sketch #27 - A Day in the Life of Batman

VIDEO.

TITLE CARD: A Day in the Life of Batman

TITLE CARD: 1:00AM

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT.

Actual clip from Batman Begins.

BATMAN
IT'S NOT WHO I AM UNDERNEATH, BUT WHAT I DO THAT DEFINES ME!

TITLE CARD: 3:00AM

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT

Actual clip from The Dark Knight.

BATMAN
YOU WERE THE BEST OF US. HE WANTED TO PROVE THAT EVEN SOMEONE AS GOOD AS YOU COULD FALL.

TITLE CARD: 5:00AM

INT. COMMISSIONER GORDON'S OFFICE - NIGHT

BATMAN
(still unnecessarily in his shouty, raspy, kind of awful Christian Bale voice)
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP IN APPREHENDING THE JOKER, COMMISSIONER GORDON. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

GORDON
Um...no problem.

BATMAN
I'M PRETTY PARCHED. I COULD REALLY GO FOR A FRESCA RIGHT NOW.

GORDON
(starting to put his hands to his ears)
OK...

TITLE CARD: 7:00AM

INT. THE BATCAVE - DAY

ALFRED
You must be exhausted. I changed your sheets. You have a nice warm bed waiting for you.

BATMAN
THANKS, ALFRED. I COULD DEFINITELY USE A FEW HOURS OF THE OLD SHUT-EYE.

ALFRED
It's just us, sir. You don't need to strain your voice like that.

BATMAN
WHAT?

TITLE CARD: 3:00PM

INT. DELI- DAY

BATMAN
I HAVE A BLIND DATE TONIGHT. WHAT FLOWERS WOULD SAY, "I'M VERY INVESTED THIS, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO THE POINT WHERE IT MIGHT BE SOMEWHAT SCARY"?

DELI WORKER
(pointing, but kind of flinching)
Those kinds.

TITLE CARD: 7:00PM

INT. STARBUCKS - NIGHT

LISA
Um..Batman?

BATMAN
LISA! PLEASE! HAVE A SEAT! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR PICTURE!

LISA
So...so do you.

BATMAN
THE PIKE PLACE ROAST IS SURPRISINGLY COMPLEX!

LISA
That's nice. I can hear you fine. You don't have to...y'know...

BATMAN
DON'T HAVE TO WHAT?

LISA
Nothing.

TITLE CARD: 9:00PM

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

BATMAN
THIS IS A LIGHT-HEARTED ROMP!

All the patrons around him shush him. LISA covers her face in embarrassment.

TITLE CARD: 10:00PM

INT. MOVIE THEATER LOBBY - NIGHT

LISA whispers something into BATMAN's ear.

BATMAN
WAIT, WHERE? I DON'T SEE A REALLY, REALLY FAT GUY IN A RED T-SHIRT!

In the background, a fat guy in a red t-shirt overhears BATMAN shouting and hangs his head with sadness.

TITLE CARD: 11:00PM

INT. LISA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

BATMAN, wearing the cowl but no shirt, shot from the chest up, sits on the couch.

BATMAN
YES! THAT FEELS GOOD, BABY! YEAH. YEAH. MMM. GOOD JOB AT THAT, LISA!

LISA's head enters the shot, presumably from BATMAN's groin.

LISA
You have to go.

TITLE CARD: 12:00AM

INT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT

BATMAN lays in his bed, sleeping. The Bat Signal appears in the night sky.

BATMAN
RATS! I WAS DREAMING ABOUT A TALKING PONY MADE OUT OF CANDY CANES!

FADE OUT.

The Danny Elfman theme music swells.

THE END

Sketch #26 - Project Runway on Lifetime

TITLE CARD: The Project Runway logo.

ANNOUNCER
This November, Project Runway makes the move from Bravo to Lifetime. Here's a sneak preview of what to expect!

INT. PARSONS WORKROOM - DAY

TIM GUNN and the designers are circled up.

TIM GUNN
Designers, your first challenge is to design a burka disguise that you can wear to the Middle East to retrieve your stolen baby.

TALKING HEAD - SWAYNE
SWAYNE - 28. THIRD-PERSON REFERRER, OLSEN TWIN ENTHUSIAST
Swayne is all about burkas. They are so flaky and delicious! Oh...I'm thinking of a burek...what's a burka?

TIM GUNN
There's one more thing: while you are working, you'll also be stalked by a crazed ex-boyfriend.

Shot of twelve swarthy, sinister men peeking out from behind model forms.

TALKING HEAD - KWANZELLE
KWANZELLE - 31. FREELANCE DESIGNER, SASSY NEGRESS
I was a little surprised to see Malik in the workroom, but my scissors are sharper than his shank, so I ain't scurred.

TIM GUNN
The winner of this challenge will have the honor of being reunited with their stolen baby...and immunity in the next challenge.

TALKING HEAD - SHANZIA
SHANZIA - 26. RETRO-FLAVORED HORSE'S ASS
Wait...they really took my baby?!?

TALKING HEAD - KURT
KURT - 29. DRESSMAKER, SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS TATTOOED HUNK
Yeah! Immunity!

TIM GUNN
You'll have thirty minutes to sketch, and that time starts...twenty-nine minutes ago. Go-go!

TALKING HEAD - MEREDITH
MEREDITH - 36. DESIGNER, BUGLE BOY
I feel really confident about this challenge. I...what's wrong?

A swarthy ex-boyfriend comes up behind her and covers her mouth. A brief struggle.

TIM GUNN
Unfortunately, not only has Meredith has gone missing, but I feel like I'm looking at student work.

KWANZELLE
I was sort of going for a comfortable burka for a full-figured woman.

TIM GUNN
I just need you to resolve the hemline. I think it could be really stunning, like something Roxy would wear on (looks at the camera) Army Wives! Sundays at 10pm on Lifetime!

KWANZELLE
What are you doing?

TIM GUNN
(contrite)
I...don't know. I AM A WHORE! I AM A--

Quick cut to DAVID RUPRECHT in a suit in the workroom.

DAVID RUPRECHT
Hi, I'm your new mentor, David Ruprecht! I was the host of all 93 seasons of Lifetime's Supermarket Sweep!

SWAYNE
What makes you qualified to mentor Swayne? That's me, by the way.

DAVID RUPRECHT
(incredulous)
Did you hear me when I said I hosted Supermarket Sweep?

TALKING HEAD - SHANZIA
I just hope the judges like my Betty Page-inspired burka. And my (beep)y attitude.

DAVID RUPRECHT
Kurt, your burka looks great! I personally prefer matching primary-colored sweaters, because I...

KURT
Hosted Supermarket Sweep on Lifetime. Yeah, we get it. Lifetime Lifetime Lifetime. Oh, hang on a sec.

KURT runs offscreen, followed by a swarthy, knife-wielding ex-boyfriend.

INT. THE RUNWAY - NIGHT

Heidi Klum overlooks the designers with the judges behind her.

HEIDI KLUM
They say in fashion, one day you're in, the next day, you're on Lifetime. Let's meet our judges. Legendary designer and honorary Oompa-Loompa Michael Kors...

MICHAEL KORS
Hey guyssssssssssssssssssssss.

HEIDI KLUM
Elle magazine equine-at-large Nina Garcia...

A shot of a horse neighing.

HEIDI KLUM
Lifetime Movie-of-the-Week mainstay Victoria Principal...

VICTORIA PRINCIPAL
(bitterly)
Meredith Baxter hurt her foot.

HEIDI KLUM
...and Michael Kors' mother.

Shot of MICHAEL KORS rushing to another chair and wrapping a babushka around his head and putting sunglasses on.

MICHAEL KORS (as his mother)
Hey, guysssssssssssssssssssss.

HEIDI KLUM
On to the show.

A montage of models walking down the runway in plaid burkas, sequined burkas, bridal burkas, feather burkas, burkas with no eyeholes and stumbling models, etc.

TALKING HEAD - KWANZELLE
My burka had no eyeholes to symbolize the Arab nations' blindness towards equal rights for women...and I ran out of time.

HEIDI KLUM
Let's hear what the judges have to say.

MICHAEL KORS
First of all the crotch on that burka is insane. She looks like a Muslim...bridal...nurse?

A shot of the Nina Garcia horse licking a salt lick.

VICTORIA PRINCIPAL
My one concern is that your model would have a hard time overcoming breast cancer in this outfit.

SWAYNE
What does that mean?

MICHAEL KORS
Mother, what did you think?

A shot of MICHAEL KORS hurriedly donning his mother's attire.

MICHAEL KORS (cont'd, as his mother, making a so-so gesture)
Eh.

HEIDI KLUM
When we come back, one of you will be the winner...

SHANZIA
GIVE ME MY BABY!

HEIDI KLUM
...and one of you will be out.

TITLE CARD: the Project Runway and Lifetime logos.

ANNOUNCER
Who wins? Who goes home? And who battles inequality in the workplace with Linsday Wagner? Find out this fall on Project Runway, only on Lifetime. Lifetime: No Longer Only Good For Golden Girls Reruns.

THE END

Sketch #25 - Sam & Brian

LIGHTS UP on a gay bar in Buffalo, NY. SAM and BRIAN stand at the bar, sweatshirts tucked into sport jeans. Christmas lights. They look up at the TV screen.

SAM and BRIAN
Let's go, Buffalo!

They clap.

SAM
Good play.

BRIAN
Great play!

SAM
Playoffs.

BRIAN
For sure, for sure.

SAM
Know who I miss? Hasek.

BRIAN
Gotta miss Hasek.

SAM
Good goalie.

BRIAN
Great goalie!

Pause. SAM notices someone.

SAM
Look at this little twink who just walked in.

BRIAN
Ooh, I love those blond tips.

SAM
Good butt.

BRIAN
Great butt!

Pause.

SAM
Huh. An hour and a half until Christmas.

BRIAN
What'd you get your ma?

SAM
Gift certificate to Salvatore's Italian Gardens.

BRIAN
Sweet!

SAM
Yeah, they got this family of animatronic deers now. Real, real classy.

BRIAN
I betcha that looks good in the strobe lights.

SAM
Good gift?

BRIAN
Great gift!

SAM
What'd you get for your ma?

BRIAN
Thee-ater tickets.

SAM
Aright.

BRIAN
Yeah, she likes goin' to those plays.

SAM
Some of 'em are so good! You ever see Phantom?

BRIAN
I did see that!

SAM
Good play.

BRIAN
Great play!

Pause. SAM notices another one.

SAM
Uh-oh. Look at this toned little bottom coming this way.

BRIAN
The one in the "Make 7-Up Yours" t-shirt?

SAM
No, the one in the Sabres jersey.

BRIAN
Oh, yeah. Talking to the kid in eyeliner and fingerless gloves?

SAM
Yeah.

BRIAN
What a fag, right?

SAM
Huge fag.

BRIAN
Sabres jersey's pretty smokin', though.

SAM
Good, long ponytail. Kind of like a samurai would wear.

BRIAN
Great long ponytail kind of like a samurai would wear!

Pause.

SAM
So what are you doin' tomorrow?

BRIAN
I'm pickin' up my brother in Tonawanda, and then we're drivin' to Cheektowaga for brunch and presents with my mom and stepdad. Then my dad's in Lackawanna. You?

SAM
First, I got my sister's in Candidaguanada in the morning. Then presents in Kennemuntukakwanagua, and then I'm hanging out with my parents in Checkumsuggamuggawannakannakikbuptawaga.

BRIAN
Ha! The guys at work call it Checkumsuggamuggawannakannakikbuptavegas...'cuz it's kinda tacky.

SAM
Good thing we both have step-parents, huh? Double the presents.

BRIAN
Great thing we both have step-parents huh double the presents!

Pause. SAM notices one more.

SAM
That guy's kinda hot.

BRIAN
The one in the Tweety Bird hoodie?

SAM
No, the one with the beard.

BRIAN
The beard?

SAM
So?

BRIAN
You into bears now?

SAM
No. He's just hot is all. He's a little more put together than the rest. He must just be in town for Christmas with his family.

BRIAN
He's fat.

SAM
You're fat. He's thick.

BRIAN
I'll give you this: he looks a little like Flutie.

SAM
Yeah! I'll take Flutie! Miss Flutie.

BRIAN
Me too.

SAM
Good balls of fire.

BRIAN
Great balls of fire!

Pause.

SAM
Any New Year's resolutions this year?

BRIAN
Eh...I was kinda thinkin' about telling people at work.

SAM
That you're...y'know...

BRIAN
Yeah.

SAM
Wow.

BRIAN
Yeah.

SAM
What about your ma?

BRIAN
Are you kidding me? I'll marry some fish before I tell my ma.

SAM
Tell me about it. I think I'm still technically engaged.

BRIAN
Don't you get sick of living, like, a double life, though?

SAM
Hey, if Wonder Woman can do it, I can do it.

BRIAN
I guess.

SAM
Alexander the Good.

BRIAN
Alexander the Great!

Pause.

SAM
So...you wanna go to the dirty bookstore and hang out by the jack-off booths?

BRIAN
C'mon, man...tonight?

SAM
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Merry Christmas, Brian.

BRIAN
Merry Christmas, Sam.

They look back up at the TV.

SAM and BRIAN
Let's go, Buffalo!

LIGHTS OUT.

THE END

Sketch #24 - Mr. Rodriguez

LIGHTS UP on MICHELLE and her parents in their living room.

MICHELLE
I'm so excited you guys are finally meeting Victor!

MOM
Me too! I want to see what all the fuss is all about.

DAD
If he's good enough for you, honey, he's good enough for us.

A knock at the door.

MICHELLE
That's him!

MICHELLE goes to get the door and re-enters with VICTOR, a thuggish, beefy Latin dude in a tight white t-shirt and a floppy fisherman's hat.

VICTOR
Yo. 'S'goin' on?

MICHELLE
Mom, Dad, this is Victor.

VICTOR goes to shake the parents' hands.

VICTOR
Mr. Rodriguez.

DAD
Mr. Rodriguez, huh? Well, I'm Mr. Templeton, then.

VICTOR
Good to meetcha, Phil.

MICHELLE
Um...why don't we all sit?

MOM
Where are you from, Victor? Oops, I mean, Mr. Rodriguez?

VICTOR
Puerto Rico. (sings) I want to live in America...

Everyone laughs.

DAD
What do you do?

VICTOR
Yo, culinary.

MOM
Oh, a chef! Wonderful!

VICTOR
See, the whole concept of the agenda is if you're with me, you're with me, you're not, you're not. Concept.

MOM and DAD look at each other, puzzled.

DAD
I'm sorry?

VICTOR
(shaking his head with exasperation)
Agenda concept.

DAD
(whispering to MOM)
I don't think he knows what either of those words means.

MICHELLE
Dad!

VICTOR's beeper goes off.

VICTOR
Damn, I'm blowin' up. S'cuse me. Concept.

He exits.

MICHELLE
So?

MOM
He's a little...odd, honey.

DAD
He looks like a hooligan.

MICHELLE
Oh really, Dad? A hooligan? Great. At least you didn't say no-goodnik.

DAD
He is kind of a no-goodnik!

MOM
I mean, Michelle, honestly. He has a beeper? Does that mean he sells drugs?

MICHELLE
He's a chef!

VICTOR re-enters, counting a wad of cash.

VICTOR
Sorry, y'all!

DAD
So Mr. Rodriguez, where are you a chef?

VICTOR
Um...the...New York...Restaurant.

DAD
Oh, right. Is that over on America Street?

MICHELLE
Stop it!

VICTOR
Oh, you know it?

MOM
Do you ever experiment with that...what do they call it? Molecular gastronomy?

VICTOR
Oh, yeah! One time, I, um...confrabulated, a, um...hypotankular...um, agenda.

Pause. Nobody's buying it.

VICTOR (cont'd, singing)
I want to live in America!

Only VICTOR laughs. Pause. He gets antsy.

VICTOR (cont'd)
Yo, where's your bump...bathroom? I gotta do some blow...I mean, go to the rest...cocaine.

DAD
Through that hall. On the right.

VICTOR
Concept.

He exits.

MICHELLE
Don't you feel silly now?

DAD
Are you kidding me?

MOM
Honey, he isn't really a chef.

MICHELLE
He is so!

DAD
Michelle Marie Templeton, he most certainly is not! The only thing he seems capable of cooking is crystal meth in his bathtub.

MICHELLE
And boiled yucca. It's delicious.

MOM
Not to mention the fact that he's in our bathroom right now, not doing lines and lines of what surely isn't cocaine!

DAD
I just shudder when I think about you spending your future with him!

Pause.

MICHELLE
Wait, what? Oh. Oh, no, guys. This is just a sex thing.

Pause.

DAD
That I can see.

MOM
Concept.

DAD
Agenda.

LIGHTS OUT.

THE END

Sketch #23 - Kevin at the Party

LIGHTS UP on an adult house party. MARK, PATTY, DON, PEGGY, and TOM sit around drinking.

PEGGY
You two always have the best parties!

MARK
I buy the booze, Patty makes the cocktail wienies. It works out pretty well.

TOM
I am wasted.

DON
What do we do now?

MARK
I bet Kevin's still up. KEVIN!

PATTY
Mark, don't embarrass him.

MARK
Oh, it's fine.

KEVIN enters in pajamas.

KEVIN
Dad, what? I was trying to sleep. You guys are being loud.

MARK
Show us that drawing.

KEVIN
I don't want to.

PATTY
Mark! You don't have to, honey.

TOM
I wanna see it!

ALL but KEVIN and PATTY
Drawing! Drawing!

KEVIN exits and returns with a drawing of Superman.

ALL but KEVIN
Oooh!

KEVIN
OK, there. Can I go?

DON
His hand looks too big.

KEVIN
His arm is foreshortened.

MARK
Hah! Twelve years old, and he's teachin' you, Don!

PEGGY
It's very nice, Kevin. Give me a hug!

PEGGY weirdly hugs KEVIN, getting her cleavage in his face.

TOM
Kevin, I'm Dr. Tom. Your father's gay friend.

KEVIN
I know, Dr. Tom. You tell me that every time I see you.

TOM
You know what you should paint? Madonna with Alpo Dog Food.

KEVIN
Why?

TOM
Because Madonna thinks she's all frarterning-like...and a dog could eat what Madonna shurguggens...

KEVIN
OK...

PATTY
He's just tired, honey.

KEVIN
Can I go back to bed now?

MARK
Oooh! Do your Paula Poundstone impression!

PATTY
Mark!

KEVIN
Dad! I don't want to.

DON
Yeah, do it!

ALL but KEVIN and PATTY
Paula! Paula!

KEVIN
Psssht! People on the left! Don't tell the people on the right; there is the coolest stuff out your window right now. We hate the people on the right. Just look at them sitting there. I hate that. They're ruining everything!

Everybody laughs.

DON
I don't even know who that is, but that is funny!

TOM
I dunno who confluntered any of this tingedness, but this kid is an FIT! That means fag in training.

KEVIN
Thanks so much, Dr. Tom.

PATTY
Tom, I'm gonna pop you in the mouth.

MARK
Patty, relax.

PEGGY
That was so, so, so, so good, Kevin.

She gets up and gives him an uncomfortable open-mouthed kiss on the cheek.

KEVIN
Um, thank you. Can I go upstairs, Dad?

MARK
First you have to put on your ballerina costume and do a little dance.

PATTY
MARK!

KEVIN
Dad, I'm not doing that.

TOM
This I gotta see! He's inspectiontered all day!

ALL but KEVIN and PATTY
Ballerina! Ballerina!

KEVIN
NOOOOOOO! I'm not a puppy! I'm not a dog! I don't just do tricks for you! I'm tired and I want to go to sleep. Dr. Tom, I'm not an FIT, no matter how much you want me to be. And Peggy, I think it's weird that you flirt with me in front of your husband. And Don, your wife is kind of slutty. And Mom, you could defend me a little more. And Dad, you're kind of a dick. I don't like doing this every time you guys get together and drink. So stop being a dick, or stop drinking. Or better yet, both. I'm going back to bed!

Everybody claps.

DON
That was awesome!

MARK
Twelve years old, and he can memorize monologues!

PATTY
Good job, Kevin!

PEGGY
I love you, you little guy!

PEGGY gets up and moves toward KEVIN, slightly tugging her skirt down.

KEVIN
You're idiots. All of you. Good night.

KEVIN exits. The adults sit there, reflecting.

MARK
Let's watch him sleep!

Everyone gets up and exits towards KEVIN's room.

LIGHTS OUT.

THE END